Monday, 9 January 2017

Sad news about Man

Thank you all so very much for your kind words left in the comments on my last post.  Thank you also for the prayers which you have been offering up, the good thoughts you have sent us and the other ways you have been helping.  To know you have been there with us in the last few days has been a comfort to us and I thank you all.

As you will know from my post last week, Man was in his final days.  Sadly last week he died, not that long after my last post.  It was very peaceful and quiet and was, I imagine, as alright as these things are ever going to be.

We didn't expect that Man would be passing away so soon, we hoped that he had more time left to enjoy his new nursing home and being nearer to his grandchildren.  I don't think that Man ever really recovered from his stroke, or more accurately the after effects and what that meant for him.  Not to be able to walk on his own, to explain what he wanted or to understand that there were things he could no longer do was very hard for him.

So to lose Man has been a big shock and very sudden, but, just perhaps, it is easier for him rather than continuing to struggle.  I know that some people disagree when you say that a loved one is in a better place, and for some, especially the young, that is not the case.  I think though for Man he is in a better place than he had been and for us that is a comfort.  He wasn't able to live as he wanted so perhaps, for him, this is easier and kinder.

It isn't better for us of course and it is very sad and will take a lot of coming to terms with, but we are as OK with it as you can be I think.  Not because we don't care, we care very very deeply, but we also know that he wasn't well and sometimes it is OK to move on.

Everyone in the home seemed to love him and told us about the stories he shared, and even on the day he died many of the staff came in to say good morning to him.  He was obviously very well liked by all he met.

At Christmas we saw Man and although he wasn't well, or even as some family have repeatedly said the he is "fine" we didn't think that he was this close to the end.  So it has been a big shock to us to go from no thoughts of death to dying in just one week.  Everything was quite sudden, when I posted my last post we had been to see Man the day before and were putting things in order with work and so on to go back to see him, but got the call to come now.  We went to Man immediately, and then only left him for a few hours to sleep and eat and stayed with him until his death.

I suspect that we are yet to come to terms with it.  As one friend put it, you run on adrenaline for a while and I think we are doing just that.  In fact of course we have been that way since August now so it is going to be a big shock to find out what our new normal life is after so much turmoil.

Man lived a good long life, was happy and did lots of things with his life.  Man was very happily married to a woman he loved until she died nearly 9 years ago, had two lovely sons, one of whom I was lucky enough to marry, and had two grandchildren who he was very proud of.  One of his neighbours was also kind enough to tell us how proud he was of his two sons as well, and although he might not always have told them, he certainly told the neighbours and everyone else.  That was especially lovely to hear.

I spent a lot of time with Man in the last few years, taking him to medical appointments, seeing him in hospital, and latterly going in to hospital to try and get him to eat and to help him decide what things to take with him in his move to the nursing home.  I finally persuaded him that he didn't need wellington boots or saucepans and that he couldn't take every single thing he owned.  We compromised and pared things down and while it wasn't "home" if you looked around Man's room in the nursing home you would have known that it was Man's room.  It had all the right elements of him and his life right there.

Man and I had our ups and downs, mainly because we are/were both such strong characters when we got an idea into our heads.  I think that actually means we were quite alike, and probably therefore understood each other quite well.  Man was certainly tenacious and achieved a lot with his life despite not having the easiest childhood.  The war was of course not kind to anyone and his own family circumstance was difficult with his father being away a lot.  Despite all of this Man did well at school, got a good job and continued to study at night school and went on to do very well in his chosen profession.

We will remember many things about Man.  Not least the stories of the "tough skin" on a fruitcake - turned out to be a piece of greaseproof paper he had eaten through - or the invention of the "shisky".  A drink accidentally made out of whiskey and sherry at the same time.  History does not tell if it was drinkable or not and I am not going to recreate it to find out!!

These and many other stories will be remembered, retold and told at his funeral.

Man leaves a good legacy, a family, who loved him and two very good chaps in his sons.  He had lots of great experiences, travelled widely in Europe and the UK in his younger days and continued to do many things he enjoyed for a very long time.  Including always increasing his tool collection and his collection of books about historic houses.

I think that Man had a life well lived and that is all you can ask for.

At the end of this, while Man and I may have disagreed about many things, in the end he has given me two very great gifts indeed for which I will always be thankful.  Firstly I have the love of one of his sons, and secondly the privilege to have been with him as he died because that has laid to rest a lot of troubles and demons that I have had in my own life.  Although I am so very sad, a lot has healed for me to see a death and be there for his death and with him from difficult times that I have had in the past.  So even as he was dying, he was still giving and that is an amazing thing.

I will leave you all there for now.  Five On Friday will carry on and I will be back properly in a few weeks when we have had the funeral.  I do have a couple of book posts to write (I read a lot while Hubby has been driving us up and down the motorway and while sitting with Man) which I will do and will share and I also have a post about a Christmas swap that I will share.  Most of all Man would have wanted us to go on, so although we might not be at full speed, I am trundling still, and so keeping blogging is part of my way of doing that.  The funeral will not be for probably another two or three weeks for various reasons and I cannot sit and do nothing for that long.  So please don't think me heartless if I do carry on.

I know that some of you have also lost loved ones recently so I know you will understand and will understand that when I can blog and live and carry on and Hubby can go to work and carry on doing his things we will do just that.  We have to live, and so do those of you who have lost your dearest ones.  It isn't that we don't care, it is that we have to keep going.  Bitter experience in the past has taught me that.  So if I can say one thing to you that this has taught me.  Darned well live while you can!

Thank you all again.

With much love to you.  Amy

72 comments:

  1. He is at peace, thinking of you all.

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  2. I am sorry to learn that your husband's father has died, it has been a long hard struggle for you both.
    It must be very difficult when you reach a time in life when you just can't do what you want to do anymore, and you have also lost your wife and partner. Peace be with him.

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  3. Big hugs to you and your husband, Amy! xx

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  4. *hugs* be gentle with yourselves

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  5. Remember the good stories Amy, those are the ones that get us through sad times. You are in my thoughts. B x

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  6. My sincere condolences to you Amy and your dear husband sending you a hug and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Take good care of yourself.

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  7. So deeply sorry Amy!
    My thoughts are with you.
    Olympia

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  8. You write so beautifully and I can think of no more fitting tribute, both to him and to your obvious love for him.
    Xo

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  9. A beautifully written and poignant post, Amy. it sounds as if things were ended between you in a good place. Many comforts to you and your husband and all the family.

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  10. What a lovely tribute to Man. Beautiful post. He sounds like a strong character. Sending hugs and good thoughts to you and your husband in this difficult time.

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  11. So sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayers.

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  12. Sending you love and prayers Amy. I loved reading this pist. Beautifully written.

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  13. A beautifully written post Amy, my heart goes out to you and your family, may you find comfort in each other and in the memories you share.

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  14. I am so very sorry for your loss, Amy. What a lovely tribute you have written. Hugs to you...

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  15. I'm so sorry to hear about the passing of your father-in-law. Peace and comfort be with you and your husband. {{hugs}}

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  16. What a beautiful tribute to a person who was much loved.
    My thoughts are with you and your family.
    Lisa x

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  17. I'm sorry to read of your father-in-law's passing. You've written so lovingly about your relationship with him; a relationship that had its ups and downs, but that found peace at the end. May you find peace and comfort as you mourn his passing.

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  18. HE sounds like he had a wonderful life, you can't ask for more than that! I think your tribute to him was so lovely and heartfelt, especially as these last few years must have been trying on all of you. Bless you as you continue to move through these tough times Amy.

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  19. My friend, prayers and love to you on the loss of your loved one.
    It is never easy, even when it is expected.
    And yes. Part of the grieving process is learning to accept the fact that we are allowed to continue living.
    It took my mother almost three years, and she just came to that in her heart.
    Hugs from Pa.

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  20. Sorry for your earthly loss. You've expressed your thoughts well and it must be therapeutic to be able to do so. Praying for comfort in your grief as you go through this loss.

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  21. I am sorry for your loss Amy. x

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  22. Really sorry to read this Amy. My thoughts are with you and your family. X

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  23. Sorry for your loss and I am glad you were able to sit with him at the end. That's not always possible for everyone and I'm glad you were able to. Sending best wishes for the next few weeks.

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  24. So sad to read that. But remembering the days and funny things can be a good way.
    Hugs and prayers.

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  25. I am sorry to read of your family's loss, Amy. Please accept my condolences and take care of yourselves.

    Karen

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  26. This is such a lovingly written tribute you have shared. May his memory be eternal. My sympathies are with you. Hugs, Pat

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  27. I'm so sorry for your loss Amy.

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  28. So sad to read this, my thoughts are with you both.

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  29. So sorry to hear your sad news. Take care x

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  30. Thinking of you at this sad time. Hugs, Terri

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  31. We understand completely Blessings to you and your family

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  32. So sorry Amy. Take care of yourself because heaven knows you take care of everyone else. XXX Jo x

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  33. I'm sorry to heard this but I do think sometimes the end is really a blessing. We were all glad (horrible as it sounds!) when my grandmother died as she'd been ill for some time and ended up having to spend her final days in a nursing home which is not what she wanted. The end may have come sooner than you expected, but as you say, he's in a better place now.

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  34. Our thoughts are with you at this sad time. Take care & huggles.

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  35. Amy, I'm so sorry for your loss. You've written so beautifully and sensitively about your father-in-law. You and your husband are in my thoughts tonight. CJ xx

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  36. Sending lots of love and hugs Amy. It is a blessing that he is at peace but that doesn't help the rest of you. Grieve in whichever way you want to - there are no wrong ways. xxxx

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  37. Thank you for letting us know and for sharing some of Man's life with us. Your experiences with him that you shared reminded me of my relationship with my dad. My two sisters and I were able to be with him when he died and it is a sad memory, yet one we treasure because we found it healing as well. Our lives have gone on as yours must and should. May you and yours be comforted and blessed as you live. xx

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  38. Amy , such a lovely post. Very honest and full of love. He is with you still, and I know you'll be talking about him and remembering things to share. Hugs. Wishing you rest and peace and smiles with your memories.

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  39. I'm very sorry for your loss Amy. Continuing to think of you and the family at this difficult time. L xx

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  40. So sorry for you loss, Amy, but I must say how much I admire you being able to write when you are coping with such a loss.
    "Happy memories can be recalled as often as you like, you can never wear them out."

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  41. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad it was peaceful and I'm glad you got to spend time with him in the end.

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  42. I am so sorry for your loss of Man. I would never think you heartless for going on with your life. There is a comfort in familiarity and routines and they do help us heal. Everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. I am glad you were able to be there for Man as he passed. I'm sure that was a great comfort for him.

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  43. I am sorry to learn that your father-in-law has died, and just wish to express my condolences.
    Margaret P

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  44. Not easy for you and your husband but he is at peace. Sending much love. Gina x

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  45. So sorry to hear your sad news, Amy, especially as it seems to have come so suddenly. Love and hugs to you all, as you prepare to say goodbye to Man for a life well-led. I also am glad for you that you were there when he passed, as I have just missed it, several times. It is very special. May he rest in peace. xxx ((Amy))

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  46. A lovely tribute to Man, Amy, and I am so very sorry for your loss. Saying goodbye is never easy and is not so simple - it takes time to gather all the memories and meaning of his life as you prepare to carry on his legacy. It is always good to keep busy during these difficult days as you process all of your thoughts and emotions. Man would want you to carry on as best you can as you prepare to honor his life with family and friends. Sending you love and hugs as you help him on his journey. xo Karen

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  47. Sending my deepest condolences Amy. xxx

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  48. Oh Amy, I am so sorry. And I do believe he is in a better place. I'm not surprised he passed. Many people do when they cannot live their life as they wish. Especially those who lived well. And it sounds like he did. I could have written this post, as I did all of this for my Mother in Law just a few years ago. I might write about it some day...I keep saying I will...but dearie, I totally understand, and yes, you need to keep on living. Man wouldn't have wanted it any other way. My Sympathies,

    Cindy

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  49. Sorry to hear about your loss. I know how difficult it is loosing a loved one. I lost my dad only three months ago. It is a very difficult experience. Sending you love.
    xx Beca

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  50. It's always sad to let our loved ones go, but as you said, it is easier when their life has been so drastically reduced and they have lived a full life. I'm so glad that you and he were able to reconcile those strong personalities at the end. I'm sure by then he was aware of, and appreciated, the love and care you bestowed upon him over the past few years. I know it's been a long, emotional journey for you and him both. It will be nice for you and your husband to take your time and gather yourselves together again and get back in your stride. Hugs to you both Amy, and I hope the funeral arrangements all go smoothly. Sending lots of love,
    Wendy xox

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  51. My sympathy to you and your husband on the passing of his father, Amy. Sending love and comfort to you both. Hugs. Pam

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  52. Amy, I am so sorry for the loss of your father-in-law. My father died at age 93 and although I lived near him almost all my life, and maybe because of that, it was very hard to see him go. When people are so close and have such an impact on your life, it leaves a very big gap when they are gone. With thoughts and sympathy as you try to move on.

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  53. Sorry for your loss Amy, he's in a better place. Praying for you.

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  54. Oh Amy, I am so sorry for you and your husband. Look after yourselves. Sending you my love and best wishes.

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  55. I'm sorry for your loss. this was such a beautifully written post. x

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  56. So very sorry to read about your father in law. Take care.

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  57. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your father in law. Many thoughts and prayers of peace for your family.

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  58. You and Hubby have my sincere condolences, Amy. Sending love and prayers x

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  59. I'm sure he met up with his beloved wife on the other side. When my step-father was just a half hour from passing, he got the biggest grin on his face and stared at the door (with no one there) of his hospital room. He couldn't talk due to tubes in his throat, but kept giving my mother looks and then turning back to the door to grin again. My mother to this day says she wishes she had asked who he saw in his doorway...or as she likes to think, who was there to walk with him on his final journey.

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  60. This is a beautiful eulogy. My condolences to you and your family.

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  61. My thoughts are with you and your husband. I am convinced Man felt the love he was surrounded by helping him to pass away with peace in mind.

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  62. Oh Amy :( I was coming back to blogging and visiting old friends, and I came across this post. I am so incredibly sorry, my condolences to you and your family.

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  63. This is a brave and honest post and you paint a picture of someone you loved. Take care of yourself in the days and weeks ahead and the months and years for that matter. Integrate the best of him into your lives and laugh at the rest. And of course you must carry on and make a life full of lovely memories

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  64. Dear Amy, my sincere condolences to you, your husband and family. A beautiful account of a much loved man. Take care.

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  65. Sorry to read of your father in law's passing. It sounded like a peacefu death after a full life, all any of us can ask for. You have written very movingly about him here and your caring loving personality shines through. Take care in the difficult weeks and months ahead x

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  66. I have just been reading through your recent posts Amy, and catching up with your news. I am so sorry to hear of the events of recent months, though you seem to be taking the positives from a sad situation, and you have written so beautifully here. Sending you my best wishes xx

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  67. Hi Amy, I apologize. I'm way behind on blogging. I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss, he sounds like he was a great man. I'm glad you were able to be there at the end. Take care, Kelly.

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