Sunday, 6 March 2016

Man

It was Hubby's birthday recently and although I was still getting over being sick, and Hubby was also still getting over his own sickness we made the best of it and I hope that Hubby had as good a birthday as he could this year.  Although I didn't get to bake Hubby a cake I did manage to get to buy him a delicious chocolate one!

You know if you are a regular reader of this blog that I have written before about Man.  Man is Hubby's father.  Which you probably figured out from what I wrote before, but which I haven't explicitly said before.

You would think - or perhaps not, you will let me know no doubt - that if it was your son's birthday you might pay some attention to this.  Send him a card, wish him happy birthday, ask how his birthday was.  That is what I would do anyway.

However, Hubby heard nothing from Man on his birthday and although he had received some cash handed over about a month ago for his birthday nothing else was forthcoming.  Now, Hubby of course appreciated the gift of the cash and was grateful for it.  However, that wasn't what he wanted.  All he actually wants is to hear Happy Birthday from Man and for Man to show just a little interest in him and his life.

A card did eventually turn up a few days later, it had been sent to the wrong address and had obviously visited a few addresses and been redirected by the various notes written on the front and eventually made it to our house.  It was actually quite impressive work on the part of Royal Mail who are not generally known for such happenings.

No phone call though.

This morning we did get a call from one of Man's neighbours to tell us that he had had a fall and was badly injured.  We immediately dropped everything and drove to see him.  We were greeted by a rather bashed up man who didn't look to be in a good state.  However, he thought our presence totally unnecessary refused to get any medical assistance, refused to be checked over by a doctor, refused to even wash off the blood from his face and refused any assistance to get some new glasses ordered.  Refused anything in fact and kept insisting that he was fine.

Now I totally get the not wanting to ask for help thing, the being independent thing all of that kind of "stuff".  I am the same, I never ask for help, I hate needing help, but if it appears on my doorstep I am at least kind and gracious enough to say thank you for coming and offering, even if I don't need the help.

Man.  No.  He doesn't think the same way.  Instead he goes on to tell us how he doesn't need to go out because he has sent money to various other people for their birthdays.  At which point I interjected that that didn't matter because those birthdays are not for ages, and what about asking his own son, sat there in front of him how his birthday was, what he did, did he have a nice time.  Man just carried on shouting over me.  Not my finest hour at all, I shouted over him that I wasn't really interested, but that I wanted him to show some interest in his son who was very hurt by the fact that his father completely and regularly ignores his son.  Then I left the house and went out into the garden and didn't return.

Apparently Man just carried on talking and never did ask Hubby about his birthday or anything else.  Even when Hubby mentioned something he had done on his birthday, Man just started talking about something else.

Now, if you know me, or have read any of the other things I have written about Man you will most likely be of the same mind as Hubby and I that Man is not well in terms of his mental health, or his physical health, but that is another matter.  Man though, just many thousands of others, refuses to even consider that he is anything other than a perfect person who can do and does do everything perfectly well just by himself.  This isn't helped by those who Man prefers to believe who have firmly stuck their own heads in the sand and believe that Man is just fine and tell him too that he is just fine.

When I was thanking the neighbours who came to Man's rescue - he didn't thank them himself! - I turned round to the gentleman and was greeted out of the corner of my eye by yet another pile of rubbish piled up in Man's house and wondered just what these kindly neighbours thought of the mess, of Man and of us.  They must think that we are terrible people for not sorting him out and helping Man out more.  Actually I don't suppose they did because they clearly are very nice people, but you know what I mean I am sure.  Someone living in the state that he is living in, was as bashed up as he was today and refusing help, who doesn't even realise it has been their own sons birthday, is surely not well.

I don't know what the point of all of this is, but I needed to get it out before it eats me up inside.  Sorry to burden you with it!

There isn't any answer, and I am not seeking one, just sharing and getting it out.  As we drove on our rescue mission I secretly hoped that this might be the catalyst finally for getting something done, but it seemed that today was not the designated day for action so we will sit and wait and see what is still to come.

I will stop now because I am not adding anything.  Thank you for listening!

Amy

p.s. I just realised, because you probably do care, Hubby did have a fairly good birthday, he got his present to himself all sorted which is something he has been saving up for for a couple of years and he is delighted with.  He also liked the limited items which I was able to get him - having been stuck indoors being sick - and yesterday we went to the Practical Classics Car Show which I think I found more interesting than Hubby, but it was a day out nonetheless.  I will try and make a special event next weekend when we are both better as we are both much improved now.

45 comments:

  1. Aw, that's so hard. I'm glad your hubby had a nice birthday and I hope you are completely recovered from your under-the-weather bug.

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  2. I shed tears when I read this
    Julie xxxxxx

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  3. That must be so hard for you both. Dare I suggest...asking Social services or the district nurse to look in on him?

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    1. You are totally right, but we have tried both already and he has rebuffed them both. If anyone else is dealing with similar though, I totally agree, get both involved! xx

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  4. I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. We wouldn't think twice about walking away from a friend that treated us like this but we are bound to families by so many complicated emotions that walking away is often impossible, even though we would very much like to. I have nothing to offer you other than a virtual hug and to send you strength, but am glad that your husband still enjoyed his birthday, and hope that things will get better for you xx

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  5. That's sad Amy, however I'm with Elizabeth he needs Social Services intervention. Can your husband talk to his fathers doctor?

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  6. It's such a hard situation made worse by the fact that Man is such a close relative so anything he says or does has such a big impact on both you and your husband. People looking in on the situation can't appreciate what it's like living with someone like him in your life, not being able to help him and getting shouted down when you're doing your best. I really don't know what the answer is but all I can say is try not to let it get you down, though it's only natural that it will. Glad to hear that your hubby enjoyed his birthday and that you're both on the mend.

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  7. Oh, how I could have written this myself, although it is my partners mothers -biological and adoptive. It was his birthday last week and no acknowledgement from either. It's heartbreaking.
    I'm glad to read your lovely hubby was able to have a nice day in spite of this.
    You are in what can only be described as a very difficult and impossible position.
    Look after each other. Much love. X

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  8. shout yell get it off your chest, I am sure the neighbors are aware there are issues with him, dont worry what others think you have enough to deal with, keep smiling :-)

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  9. Oh, Amy dear, I'm so sorry! I know this has to be so hard on your hubby. We have visiting nurses here in the US who will could by a couple of time a week and check on him. Do y'all have that? Again, I'm so sorry!
    Blessings,
    Shelia ;)

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  10. Oh Amy, I do feel for you and I can see how your hands are tied in this situation. So many of us have been in similar situations and no one will be judging you or your f-i-l. It is so good to be able to share difficulties through your blog. I have been overwhelmed by the wonderful caring support on my blog. I'm glad you had a nice day out for your husband's birthday and that you are both getting over your illnesses.

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  11. Aww Happy Birthday to your husband! I hope you are feeling better and enjoy the week ahead!

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  12. Well maybe it is time for Man to go into a home of some kind for his own good and peace of mind for you both that he can be looked after . I am sorry your hubs and his father don't get along well it can be very upsetting for you both . I am glad your hubs had a good birthday regardless of the old sod lol ! Thanks for sharing , Have a good week !

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  13. I am glad that your husband had a good birthday in spite of everything. Your father-in-law may need some serious help. He sounds terribly unwell. I do hope that your husband will look into it more. (Believe it or not, there are many out here who have dealt with similar circumstances with loved ones. Saying a little prayer for a good outcome in this situation.)

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  14. I can tell by this post that you are hurting for your husband. Not defending your FIL's actions, but if it makes you feel any better, my FIL is the same way towards my husband. FIL has never acknowledged his son's (my hubby's) birthday in any which way. He only calls my husband when he needs something. I really do think it's part of being elderly.

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  15. Oh Amy this is an awful situation, I have no experience and no advice, I sincerely hope that that things get better soon. Happy Belated Birthday to your hubby! Take care lovely lady xxx

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  16. What a rotten experience. I'm so pleased you've got each other and hopefully it has helped getting it off your chest to your friends here xx

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  17. Oh Amy, I'm so sorry for both you and your hubby, it's such a difficult situation. Well done for speaking up for your husband though, sometimes these things just have to be said. It sounds as if things aren't going to get any better there, I hope you'll be able to distance yourselves as much as you can if your help isn't appreciated. Although I imagine you'll still both be on call. I'm glad your hubby's birthday was nice otherwise, and I hope you're both able to have a special time together next weekend to celebrate. CJ xx

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  18. It's so hard having to deal with something like this, I feel for both you and your hubby Amy but you have done all you can, I would say just let him get on with it, you can't give help where it's not wanted think of yourselves instead and have a great day out next weekend. :) xx

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  19. Oh I do feel for you. People who are stubborn and proud can be their own worst enemies sometimes. I'm sure his neighbours are not judging you at all and know exactly what he's like.
    Let it out, let it go and try not to let it get you down.

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  20. Amy, how sad for you and your husband. It's hard enough when our parents get older, but when they begin to fail and won't address it, it hurts and it's scary.
    My sister who is in the hospital right now is like this, she can't or won't take care of herself and eventually ends up in the hospital. Her younger son lives with her, but mentally he's a mess. I'm not close to my sister, too many problems over the years, but I do worry about her.
    There are no easy answers and sometimes we just have to vent.

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  21. Happy Birthday to your hubby Amy, but boy what a mess. As for the neighbor's I bet they know exactly what Man is like and pass no judgement on you or your husband. Nor do any of us, we have all been in similar situations or we will be in the future. Difficult parents are just as bad a s difficult teenagers, but you can't impose any restrictions on them to get them to behave.

    Best of luck to you and your husband as you travel this difficult path.
    Meredith

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  22. I'm so sorry to hear this is happening to you Amy. Thank goodness you and your husband are of one mind and can support one another. Wishing you well and hoping you both feel 100% better in health so that you can cope with this distressing situation.

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  23. Oh Amy, these are difficult situations and especially difficult when it's family. I hope you will be able to get help for him (that he will accept) and that you and your hubby will be able to get out and celebrate his birthday when you're both feeling well.

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  24. I'm so glad your hubby had a nice birthday under the circumstances, and I know he is thankful that he has you in his corner. I'm sorry you have to deal with this business with his Father. He certainly has some kind of metal issue and I bet the neighbors understand that. What's crazy is the people who tell him he's ok.

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  25. Happy Birthday to your hubby, Amy. So sorry about his father. Some people are difficult.....they never mellow even with age. Perhaps there is a bit of dementia settling in. Hope you can find some peace knowing that you cared and tried to help. x Karen

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  26. Glad that you made the most of your husband's birthday, despite the illness. Such a difficult situation with his father but I'm sure that Hubby is grateful that you stood up for him. I hope that you enjoy your day out and that you are both fully recovered soon. xx

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  27. Amy, life can be hard in so many different ways, but just make sure you look after yourself and hubby and do as much as needed for man, even though he doesn't seem to want/need your services. The situation is difficult and hopefully you can get some sort of assistance soon. Take care, get better and have a lovely day out with hubby as a belated birthday gift. Happy birthday to him from us.

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  28. Such a shame that mental illness comes to this I think your only option would be to see his doctor and so through the process of getting him sectioned so that he will get some help. It is not an easy process but will help Man in the end. Glad to hear your hubby had a lovely birthday and that you are on the mend.

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  29. Oh, that does all sound very trying, take care. x

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  30. It's good to talk - or write - isn't it. It's very difficult dealing with things that just go on and on, it seems there's no way out and it's very wearing. Fortunately Hubby has you to supply birthday cakes and days out to cheer him up. x

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  31. Oh Amy, I'm sorry that you have a difficult situation, and I can empathise, it is sometimes so difficult to understand the behaviour and attitudes of family, the people you feel that you should be able to rely on. I'm sure your husband appreciates the love you show him. I hope you are both fully recovered soon.
    Caz xx

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  32. My father was just like your Man. I'm saying a prayer for you and your husband. It's going to be a rough road ahead.
    You have had some good and caring advice here, I too am glad you sounded out your thoughts.
    If the need be we will listen again, that's what friends are for.
    Hope the belated birthday outing goes well.
    Blessings
    Tonia

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  33. So sorry you are going through such a difficult time with Man especially as you have both been so unwell. Just travelling to see him must have taken time and effort. Do take care and I hope you can have some wonderful late birthday treats when you feel better:)

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  34. Just read through this post and firstly would like to say that I am pleased your hubby had a lovely day and enjoyed his gifts and time with you.
    I'm afraid I have no advice other than common sense which you have in bucket loads, so there's nothing I can add there. I would however like to point out that you are an excellent writer :)

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  35. Families can be hard work at the best of times. Sorry you had this experience with Man and I hope it didn't put too much of a dampner on your husband's birthday. I think sometimes it can help to take a step back and recognise that sometimes there isn't anything you can do to help with a situation and you need to look after your own mental and emotional health. It's tricky though, however you decide to deal with things *hugs*

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  36. This sounds like an awful situation for you to be in Amy. Hope you're both fully recovered health-wise and have a good week. Sam x

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  37. Amy, bless you and your husband! You can substitute My Mother for Man! She was not an especially nice woman before and getting older and senile only made matters worse. You and hubby have got to take care of yourselves mentally, emotionally and physically. Don't expect anything from Man, there will always be disappointment. My hugs to you and hubby, and happy birthday To him! (And yes, sounds as if Man needs professional care)

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  38. :( oh Amy sending hugs xx

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  39. I am sorry that he is difficult and doesn't appreciate all the goodness you two show to him. It's a shame really....

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  40. Dear Amy, it is so hard, I know. Of course he is no longer his 'real self', and like many in this situation, Man is refusing help. It is not uncommon, and often the only way to break the impasse is when the situation is brought to a head by a fall or other event. Then it is easier to get 'authorities' involved. Privacy laws can make intervention extremely difficult. My father was very wily, and it got to the point when he put his meals on wheels food out in the yard for birds and animals to eat, and went to the shop to buy sweets and biscuits for himself. Needless to say, many other things were in great disarray by then. Birthday greetings and cards for us ceased many years ago. On Sunday I told him I was his daughter and he said 'I have a daughter?'
    Hang in there Amy, you are not alone. xxx

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  41. My mother was like that. I could rant about it (and used to) but in the end it doesn't change anything. I still get riled when I hear anyone say how wonderful mothers are - like it's automatic. Last weekend was particularly tough, being Mothers' Day. But parents aren't always great. Sadly I used to blame myself for the fact that she didn't love me, and it wasn't until after she died that I came to terms with the fact that she didn't love anyone but herself. Look after yourselves. You deserve it.

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  42. I know how it feels Amy, I have spit feathers in the past, now I do what I have to, get it done and just "rise" above it...some people never change or want to...at least you can say you tried and I am sure your husband appreciates all your thoughtfulness .

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  43. What a difficult and heartbreaking situation. Some people don't have the insight to realise that if they accepted help, they might have a more pleasant life. However, they also have the right to live their lives in a way that you, or I, or many others would find strange. You have done everything you can to help, it might be time to consider stepping away from the situation a little, hard though that is. X

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